As a couples therapist, I feel like I have seen it all.
I’ve had the privilege of sitting with couples during the most joyous times of their lives (like the birth of a new child), and the most painful (like the ending of their relationship).
I’ve seen couples that escalate quickly into fighting, and couples that barely say a word to one another for fear of “rocking the boat.”
But after thousands of hours and a front row seat into the inner workings of couples' lives, I have found four concepts that I think are paramount when considering our closest relationships. We will explore them in this blog.
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~Relationships Work as a Mutual System of Dependence
Couples should view the relationship not simply as two separate individuals coming together to share their lives, but rather as an interdependent system in which they both react to one another.
Any change on the part of one partner incurs a change on the other. Essentially, both partners act like a seesaw trying to balance one another out.
Doing so implies that both partners must work together to maintain the right balance so they don’t tip their partner too high or too low.
Because the balance can be difficult to achieve, they must learn to utilize their experiences (separately and together) as a way of growing together. Otherwise, they find themselves growing apart.
~Awareness of "Relationship Wounds" Is Key
Learning to balance the seesaw of the relationship is dependent on each partner knowing how to balance themselves.
Personal knowledge of trigger points, and of the ways that each individual protects themselves from painful feelings or closeness with others, can be achieved through the work of self-reflection.
Each partner can consider whether they have ever felt things like the following:
-“I guess I’m not lovable.”
- “I will never let my guard down again.”
- “I don’t trust others’ intentions.”
- “I can’t let myself be vulnerable or someone will take advantage of me.”
If they have, they may have old wounds that shape the relationship and prevent them from giving and getting the love they want.
Personal awareness and understanding of triggers and self-protection from old wounds can help individuals create paths for better self-management and self-regulation, thus allowing a couples to approach and navigate their relationship in a more healthy way.
~Repairing Ruptures is Essential
Even the best relationships have ruptures from time to time. A rupture is a break in the emotional bond between two partners.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, if the couple knows how to make the necessary repairs.
There will be times when...
- Each partner sees things differently and can’t get on the same page
- Their personality differences rub one another wrong.
- They don’t feel heard or understood by each other.
When these events occur, this is an opportunity for the couple to dig deep and learn more about themselves and each other by repairing the bond.
When couples learn how to make repairs, they go from feeling scared and unsafe in the relationship to possessing a collective confidence in their ability to get through difficult times together.
~Empathy Is Like Oxygen
Empathy is a necessity in relationships. True empathy within couples means they can see the world through one another's eyes.
Each partner can take on the other's perspective and feel their way into one another's experience of the relationship.
Empathy is the bridge between two people in separate bodies.
But empathy does not mean that either partner gives up their perspective, or that their individual views are not valid.
Rather, it means that they are able to see multiple perspectives at once. Empathy is so important that I liken it to oxygen for the relationship.
With the presence of empathy, the couple can breathe deeper; and without it, the couple can feel like they are suffocating.
Empathy is so essential, that most ruptures occur because of empathic failures.
Consequently, one of the quickest ways to improve a relationship is for couples to work on their individual sense of empathy for their partner.
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No doubt there are more than four things that are important in relationships, but when I reflect on countless hours spent with couples, these stand out as some of the most important.
Helping partners understand their emotionally reactive cycles, creating a safe space to explore their old wounds, and building empathy for one another so they learn how to repair ruptures quicker and stay connected longer, encapsulate some of the most important work I do.
Thank you for the privilege.
- Tom Philp, LPC, CEO
Stonebridge Couples Therapy
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